Tag Archives: blog carnival

disappointment

Here’s another entry in the LMaF Blog Carnival! When you’re done reading mine (if you’re not too depressed), click the link at the bottom to get others’ takes on the theme. This week’s entry is on disappointment.

This is actually pretty timely as I was all ready to write up a post about my disappointment in myself. Pre-Monkey, I was always extremely patient and able to put aside frustration or anger in order to get through a situation. I am surprised and unhappy with how little patience I have lately with my own child. I am not dealing well at all with losing so much sleep. The last week has been exceptionally bad in terms of lack of sleep. I think Monkey is on the verge of a talking breakthrough and is experiencing a major sleep regression. His sleep has never been good (as long-time readers of this blog are aware),  but every now and then, we descend into truly horrendous nighttime conditions. I haven’t had more than 5 hours of interrupted sleep a night for many nights in a row now. Monkey is tired and crabby and tantrum-y. Mama and Mommy are the same. We have been sniping at each other for the last couple of days – yesterday there were tears.

Now, I would NEVER hit or yell at Monkey and try to follow an attached parenting style, but I find that sometimes I’m a little rougher physically or verbally than I feel I would be if I were well-rested. I squeeze him a bit tighter, rock him a bit harder, and/or talk through clenched teeth when he refuses to go to sleep and I am fall-down tired. I know I’m not physically hurting him, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it scares him a bit and that just breaks my heart. Whenever it happens, I feel horrible and tell myself, “Never again.” But when it’s 3AM and I’m walking the floor with him for the fifth time that night (or nursing him for the millionth time), I just can’t seem to control myself. I have a lot of help from DW – we switch off and she does a ton. I am just surprised and really upset that my way of dealing with sleep deprivation is to feel rage and want to lash out. That is so not me and it is certainly not the way I want my baby to perceive me. I would be devastated if he ever felt afraid of me. For the record, I have not seen this in him ever, but like I said, I sometimes frighten myself in my reactions so I wouldn’t be surprised if he did feel that I was on the brink of losing control.

I find myself thinking that I may need to do what I have committed myself not to do: sleep training and/or night-weaning. He gets such comfort and is so sweet about nursing that it really hurts me to think about taking it away from him. We both worked so hard for this BFing relationship and he still feels like such a baby. It makes me teary to think of it – I’d really like for him to initiate weaning. I don’t truly believe that is ever going to happen, though.

In terms of sleep training, I just don’t believe in it. I’d never let an adult or older child cry themselves to sleep if I could be of some comfort to him/her, so why would I let my little baby? Since I don’t feel it’s the right thing for our family (and DW agrees), I doubt I’d be successful in even trying it. I think (no, I know) I’d be in that room within 5 minutes of crying. It’s especially difficult to think of when his initial bedtime is generally no big deal. He usually nurses for about 5 minutes, then I walk him around singing for about 10-15 minutes, and he’s out. No crying, no fuss, no upset. It’s the middle of the night and super early wakeups that are the problem. NOTE: I do not condemn others who choose to CIO. Your child, your family, your decision. We all make decisions that we feel are in our family’s best interest and I would never presume to tell someone else how to raise their child.

I feel I should also note that I did (and possibly still do?) have some PPD and am on a low dose of medication. I take half of what I would normally take since I’m still BFing.

Visit the Blog Carnival site for more entries on this theme.

7 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

the donor post

Hey, it’s another entry in the Love Makes a Family blog carnival! This week’s topic is donor sperm.

Big one! I think I’ll start with the things that were very important to us in our search:

Donor is near in age to Mamas. As an older mom (had Monkey at 39), I didn’t want some early-20s guy as the donor. It was important to me for a couple of reasons. One that the donor was old enough to make the decision thinking about the future. Two, if we ever do meet him, I think I’d be uncomfortable if he were 20 years younger than me.

Open ID. While we would both be fine never meeting Donor, we felt like it was ultimately not our decision to make. We have no idea what it is like to be a donor baby, nor how our son as an individual will feel about it. We felt we’d rather err on the side of choice. We will not encourage Monkey to find the donor (nor discourage him from it), but if he decides it’s important to him, we will have kept that option open for him.

On this note, we have no plans to seek out donor siblings. We are not members of the DSR, nor do we plan to become members. Sharing a common donor does not equate family in our minds. Again, should Monkey become interested as he gets older, we will do what he feels he needs to do. I plan on discouraging finding donor siblings, though. I am not interested in connecting with total strangers. In my mind, the donor and any donor siblings are very different. I’m not sure I can articulate why, they just are. I also think the idea of letting in one stranger (the donor) isn’t as intrusive as letting in multiple strangers (siblings, their parents).

Also, we (and I mean that in the collective we) have no idea how many donor siblings might be out there. Sure the banks have caps on the number of families/babies born, but this relies on families keeping the bank notified of births. I personally know a family that didn’t notify the bank after they had their daughter (no, I don’t understand it). If there are many MANY siblings out there, will that be harmful to Monkey’s psyche?

I’ve also heard from a mom in another two mom family I know how shocking and alarming it was (their words) to see how alike the kids looked. Attributes they thought were coming from their side of the family? Not so much. This wouldn’t keep me from doing it if I were interested, but it was just another thing to add to the pile of reasons we aren’t seeking out donor siblings.

Thing (yes, one thing) that became important in our search:

  • Once we found a bank that offered adult photos, it was just over for us. The donor we chose was seriously perfect in all ways (born in 74, open ID, artistic) but especially in terms of looks. He looked like he could be a member of either of our families. He was also pretty cute (hey, it doesn’t hurt) and just looked like a nice guy. I felt like I made a connection that I never could looking at baby photos. (Let me also say that I’m absolutely positive that if we had gone with another bank that only offered baby pics, Monkey would still be absolutely perfect.)

In terms of sharing donor-related information with Monkey, we are going with the early and often approach. We made a book on Shutterfly all about our quest to be parents and included the pics we have of the donor. Monkey loves reading the book and we hope that the “I’ve just always known” approach will be a good one. Besides, being a two mom family, he’s going to know pretty quickly that “Daddy” is missing from the equation. We figure let’s just put it all out there and not put the onus on him to come to us with questions that he might feel uncomfortable asking.

Finally, I want to share a couple of links that I’ve found extremely useful in terms of sharing donor information with your child(ren) – these were all courtesy of a BabyCenter member who shared them on that site (thanks, C!):

  • Donor Conception: Lots of links to resources around the issue of donor conception. I downloaded a great PDF around talking to your kids about the donor issue, but can’t find it now. Will try to locate and post.
  • X, Y, and Me: Books for kids around donor conception, IVF, etc. We basically created our own with this concept 🙂
  • Recipes of How Babies Are Made: Kids book about ART and donor conception. I haven’t checked this one out yet, but it looks good.

I am always up for more resources for talking about donor conception, so please share any that you’ve found to be helpful.

Got any questions for me? Feel free to ask in the comments 🙂

Want to read more posts on this fascinating subject? Visit the Blog Carnival site, where you’ll find links to all of the posts.

9 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized