A new friend here in NC found out yesterday that her baby doesn’t have a heartbeat (she was 10 weeks pregnant). She goes in for a D&C today. I am so incredibly sad and angry for her. She was so excited for this (her first) baby. It is really bringing all of the memories of my own miscarriage back and has me feeling so down. Of course, this isn’t about me, but about my devastated friend. But on my blog, I thought I could talk a bit about it and then let it go.
When I opened her email telling me that the baby didn’t have a heartbeat, I felt light-headed. My heart felt like it dropped into my stomach. I began flashing back to all of the details of my miscarriage – the ultrasound that quickly turned from exciting to terrifying, going to the mall instead of home because our housekeeper was there that day, watching everyone go on with their normal day while I was in such pain and misery, the ever sunny Southern California yellow and blue day. I also had an awful cold, so I felt physically terrible as well as mentally.
I remember going in for the D&C, and the uncontrollable, unstoppable crying. The deep, physical wound of it all. I was all of 5 weeks pregnant and it was devastating. I know women who’ve lost pregnancies at 20+ weeks, women who have experienced multiple miscarriages, women who have lost their born babies and children. And I am in awe of their strength – their ability to keep living, and even to thrive again after suffering the worst blow imaginable.
Women are warriors, plain and simple. I’m so very honored to be among your ranks.
>The last few days have been a little rough. Nothing too serious, just kind of depressed and not wanting to do anything. I had trouble sleeping Sunday and Monday nights, so I worked from home yesterday so I could sleep in and just hang out. Not the best idea as I was home alone to brood and think without interruption. Working from home used to be great but since the miscarriage, I find that I prefer to be at work where I have to interact and don’t get the time to think too much. Lately when I find myself feeling badly and thinking about the miscarriage, I get this mental image of Charlie Brown hitting the ground with a WHAM after Lucy has pulled the football away from him:
It is oddly comforting. Weird, right? Baby as football. But the WHAM part is what it feels like. To have that baby dangled in front of you and then just taken away, just like that. That is a cruel trick, nature.
We started the Delestrogen injections last night and our FET is 2 weeks from Friday. Yesterday I started Googling FET and age and found all this doom and gloom and then remembered that in medical cases, Google is not your friend. I’m trying to focus on the fact that I have 8 frozen embryos, all excellent quality, and on my doctor’s insistence that this is going to work. I find myself really wishing for twins so that I never have to even think about going through this process again. DW wants to adopt a second, and I’m fine with that except that it seems like the adoption process could be just as all-consuming as TTC is and right now, I don’t know that I can do it again.
Anyway, today I’m at work and feeling better about things. Hoping April has a nice surprise in store for us.
>I’m sorry if I upset or offended anyone with my comments on grief in my last post. I certainly didn’t mean to imply that a miscarriage isn’t worthy of grief, or that it is less worthy of grief than other losses. I guess I was trying to make some sense of where this falls in my own personal grief/loss spectrum so that I could box it up and put it away, which is a silly and rather pointless exercise. Mine is a rational, logical mind that tends to want to label and organize, which is I guess where I was going yesterday. Anyway, I’m truly sorry if my comments were insensitive. That was definitely not my intent.
The wife and I talked a bit last night and she is on the “let’s wait” side of things. We are about to remodel our master bathroom and she is worried about the added stress of that and about things like breathing in dust and sleeping on a futon while pregnant. I know logically that she is right, but that would mean waiting about 4 months and I just don’t think I can do that. I’ll be 39 in May and I can feel that clock ticking. We’ve already been at this a year. I told her I would seriously think about it, and I will, but right now I can’t imagine waiting that long. I also want to respect her feelings – I mean this isn’t just about me. Arg.
>As most people probably do after a miscarriage, I find my moods rapidly changing and I’m questioning everything. I go from thinking maybe I don’t want to try again to desperately wanting to get to my next cycle. I’m afraid to try again. I can’t wait to try again. I wonder how much of this is hormones and how much is natural grieving. Grieving feels like too strong a word for my situation, but it’s as close as I can get to the feeling. Grieving-lite?
I’m also wondering if we should have waited longer between my myomectomy and IVF. I went by my RE’s schedule, but I know most doctors advise patients to wait 3 months (we waited 2). Could that be why I miscarried? If I start this next cycle in two weeks (again what my RE is telling me is possible), is that enough time to have healed after a D&C and laparoscopy? I really want to move forward as soon as possible, but I’m scared that this will happen again if my body isn’t back to normal. I don’t know what to do. I’m hoping that once my hormones level off, I can look at the situation more objectively.
I go in for a post-op check and bloodwork on Friday. I think I’ll run these questions by my RE then and see what he advises.
>I took the bandaids off my 3 laparoscopy cuts this afternoon. The two near the ovaries are tiny and look fine. The big one in my bellybutton is nasty and sore. My stomach is really swollen and there are a couple of bruises near my bellybutton. Ew. Has anyone had this before and if so, how long did it take for the swelling to go down? I think I’m going to be in sweats again like after my myomectomy. Great.
I’m also still really sick. If I’m not any better in the morning, I’m going to see the doctor to see what the hell is going on. I started getting a cold on Tuesday and it’s gotten worse and worse. I’m feeling pretty pathetic and gross these days. I was really ready to get back to work tomorrow (back into my routine), but I’m not sure it’s going to happen.
Mentally, I’ve done okay. Had a couple of crying jags, but recovered myself fairly quickly. I think I was somewhat prepared to lose the pregnancy before even becoming pregnant due to the numbers of people I’ve seen it happen to. I have also seen the majority of those women go on to have successful pregnancies, so I’m trying to focus on that.
Thanks again for all of your kind words.
Thank you all so much for your support and well-wishes. It is amazing to get this amount of caring from virtual strangers; makes me think better about the world in general. Thank you.
It ended up not being an ectopic pregnancy, just a plain miscarriage. My RE was worried it was an ectopic because he saw what appeared to be 2 sacs outside of the uterus. He did the D&C and there was tissue, but he wanted to ensure that there was nothing in my tubes so he did a laparoscopy as well. He found lots of scar tissue (from my myomectomy in Dec.) so he cleared that out and found nothing in the tubes.
It is both better and worse news in my opinion. Better in that I thought I had 2 healthy, growing embryos that just landed in the wrong spot, which just felt terrible to me. I also was concerned because having a tubal pregnancy after IVF is so uncommon. What if it happened again? Worse in that now I have concerns about my other embryos in light of one or both of these “excellent, 8-celled embryos” having issues. I’m trying to stay positive as my RE said he doesn’t see any reason we won’t have a normal pregnancy next time. I have 8 more excellent embryos and I’m healthy.
Now I just try to move forward. I have an appointment in a week to have a blood draw to see where my numbers are. RE seems to think we can start an FET cycle in about two weeks. As painful as things are now, I do think I want to just go to the next try as quickly as possible.