trigger warning {miscarriage} – remembering

A new friend here in NC found out yesterday that her baby doesn’t have a heartbeat (she was 10 weeks pregnant). She goes in for a D&C today. I am so incredibly sad and angry for her. She was so excited for this (her first) baby. It is really bringing all of the memories of my own miscarriage back and has me feeling so down. Of course, this isn’t about me, but about my devastated friend. But on my blog, I thought I could talk a bit about it and then let it go.

When I opened her email telling me that the baby didn’t have a heartbeat, I felt light-headed. My heart felt like it dropped into my stomach. I began flashing back to all of the details of my miscarriage – the ultrasound that quickly turned from exciting to terrifying, going to the mall instead of home because our housekeeper was there that day, watching everyone go on with their normal day while I was in such pain and misery, the ever sunny Southern California yellow and blue day. I also had an awful cold, so I felt physically terrible as well as mentally.

I remember going in for the D&C, and the uncontrollable, unstoppable crying. The deep, physical wound of it all. I was all of 5 weeks pregnant and it was devastating. I know women who’ve lost pregnancies at 20+ weeks, women who have experienced multiple miscarriages, women who have lost their born babies and children. And I am in awe of their strength – their ability to keep living, and even to thrive again after suffering the worst blow imaginable.

Women are warriors, plain and simple. I’m so very honored to be among your ranks.

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6 Comments

Filed under grief, miscarriage

6 responses to “trigger warning {miscarriage} – remembering

  1. sj

    I’m so sorry for your friend’s loss. I too remember how difficult it when all that joy and excitement turned to loss and grief.

  2. I believe it’s one of the worst pains as you are grieving a death but most people don’t see it like that, you lose your dreams, it’s physically painful and draining, it’s emotional, there’s often a feeling of guilt, it’s spiritual loss etc – It really hits you on every level, yet is invisible to every one else 😦

  3. How terribly sad.
    We (thankfully) never experienced that loss, but my body aches just to think about it.
    Sending healing and peaceful thoughts to your friend, and for you reliving this experience.

  4. I’m sorry for your friend, and for your miscarriage. When I had mine I couldn’t believe couples went through that kind of pain so often. It was horrible. You’re right, women are so strong.

  5. Thank you so much for being brave enough to blog about this.

    We experienced 2. I recall both so vividly. The last one, we were doing our weekly grocery shopping and had split up to divide and conquer because K had not been feeling so well that morning. Foolishly we thought it was just the start of morning sickness. I think about it every single time that I walk past the cheese department in our local grocery because that is where I was standing when she called me, from the bathroom, crying, and telling me there was so much blood and I needed to come get LM from her. I had spent the day before trying to figure out a clever way to announce the pregnancy on my blog 😦

    Amazingly, we successfully conceived and carried to full term the month following both losses. No, that does not really alleviate the pain from the losses, but I do think both times our BFPs were somewhat bittersweet.

    • I’m so sorry, friend. Also, I blogged about my own miscarriage at the time (March 2009). So hard, but made me so very grateful for my two healthy sons when they came.

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