Before I begin, I feel the need to caution anyone TTC or having issues TTC. This post may seem cold and ungrateful since I’ve been blessed with one wonderful son and another on the way. I do know that I am lucky beyond measure – I just need to get this out, process it, and fix it.
I haven’t written in a while because things have been so hard lately. I have had a head cold for about 2 weeks and it is not going anywhere anytime soon, so it seems. Combine that with the aches and pains (and insomnia) of pregnancy, along with the demands of parenting an almost 3 year old, and you have a not very happy Mama. I really don’t want to go on anti-depressants during my pregnancy, but I’m starting to wonder if I’ll make it another 4 months without. For the record, my OB is totally fine with being on ADs while pregnant – it’s me who is resistant. Dr. Google tells me that doctors are split on whether they are safe or not, so I really want to err on the side of safety. But I also want to enjoy and be present for my family, so I’m not sure what I’ll end up doing. I hate my messed up brain chemistry.
I’ve been so tired and upset I’ve had thoughts of, “Why did we do this? I can’t handle the lack of sleep now, it’s only going to get worse once this baby arrives.” Isn’t that horrible? When I was PG with Monkey, I was so excited and happy waiting for his arrival. With the newbie, I’m mostly anxious and worried (and let’s not forget exhausted). I don’t want to feel that way. I’m sure a bit of that is normal, but I feel like what I’m feeling isn’t normal. It feels a lot like when I had a touch of the PPD after Monkey was born. Not debilitating, but not fun either – for me or for my family.
My OB gave me a couple of referrals to psychiatrists that specialize in treating pregnant women, but I’ve been reluctant to call because I really don’t think talk therapy is for me, and I’ve been trying so hard to stay AD free. If I start feeling much worse, I think I’ll need to call and see what can be done. I feel really defeated.